YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
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My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*