@iLikeCatShirts: You'd be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
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@TomMughal: I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it's because I look authoritative not because I look like I'm wearing a mask.
@_Ted_Bear: Why can't I get mobile reception in my house, yet a terrorist can upload his videos from a cave in Afghanistan?
@WarrenHolstein: Don't cut yourselves 'cause Justin smokes pot, Beliebers. Cut yourselves 'cause you listen to Justin Bieber. (And aim for a major artery.)
@DamienFahey: Hey white people, which filter are we using this year to Instagram the Pumpkin Spice Latte?