You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
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MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Sunday