9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
You Might Also Like
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u