13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
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No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Always
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”