You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
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Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
This cat wants you to take your pills
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”