You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
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Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.