It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
You Might Also Like
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…