You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
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How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
(Jupiter –
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
This will never not be funny to me.