Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
You Might Also Like
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
Morning.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away