You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
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What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.