You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
You Might Also Like
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
#damn
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.