@RorynotRoy: You'd think Goldilocks would have been all like, "Damn, it smells like bears in here. Is that a family portrait of bears?! I should leave."
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@BillMc7: Restaurant Hostess: "Sorry about the wait." Me: "It's okay, you don't need to apologize for being overweight."
@BuckyIsotope: 6/6/14 Dear Diary - Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet. 6/7/14 Dear Diary - Guantanamo sucks.
@brendanmcginley: Cleveland checks its makeup in the mirror, promises itself this time with LeBron won't be like before.