my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
You Might Also Like
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]