You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
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People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
They’re called werewolves.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
just witnessed a drug deal
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.