You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
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PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
No chill.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”