@sixfootcandy: You'd think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
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@catlikethiefx0: I should've been a child star so I could've gotten all my working out of the way and been an accomplished drug addict by now.
@backporchlady: Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they're for here or to go.
@TheMichaelRock: After shaking someone's hand, I like to maintain eye contact while applying hand sanitizer.