You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
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He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.