@chrisviccaro: You'd think old people would drive faster with the whole death thing creeping up on them and all.
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@dafloydsta: [marriage counseling] She thinks I make bad decisions "He picked a fight with a raccoon" HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
@BryMastas: Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
@shahrouzt: My dad recently fell for one of those Nigerian prince scam emails. I feel bad for him but I really needed the money.
@poizngrl: I didn't see mommy kiss Santa, but my sister saw her kiss the mailman, which explains why I'm the only one with brown eyes in the family