@chrisviccaro: You'd think old people would drive faster with the whole death thing creeping up on them and all.
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@weinerdog4life: I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
@IamEnidColeslaw: I've matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
@KyleMcDowell86: [going thru airport security] "Please turn your laptop on" *I start to stroke it's audio input* "That's not what I-' Me: No no it likes this
@KevinFarzad: I'm tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace