@chrisviccaro: You'd think old people would drive faster with the whole death thing creeping up on them and all.
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@murrman5: [kidnapper hands wife phone] "brent" BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
@scubavelli: "Oh I'll be your relationship status alright..." -me sleeping outside this Taco Bell
@iGreenMonk: She:I'm furious with my son He's playing Doctor with Neighbor's daughter He:Its curiosity about sex She:Sex? He's taken her appendix out