When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
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Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.