you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
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In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
work smarter, not harder