you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
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If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
🤣🤣🤣
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”