Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
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[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles