My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
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#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
LOL!
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*