It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
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*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
LOL
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol