You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
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Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”