You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
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Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.