@GingerAtLaw: You'd think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
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@BoobsRadley: Therapist: resentment is like drinking poison in the vain hope it makes your enemies sick Me: not if I'm banking on them eating my body
@Lovestained555: Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
@jonnysun: MAGICIAN: think of a card! ME: ok. MAGICIAN: is… this ur card? [holds up card that says "UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP"] ME: holy crap