@GingerAtLaw: You'd think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
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@Black__Elvis: My girlfriend found lipstick on my collar and thought I was cheating on her so now I only let my collar wear makeup when she's out of town.
@Mellicubed: My fire alarm just went off because I took my shower. Ya, I know I'm hot when I'm naked, but come on now, let's all just calm down.
@patnspankme: Pro tip: If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
@loribuckmajor: Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg and wait. -hospitals