You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
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goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Midwest trash talk
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?