You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
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*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows