Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
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“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words