[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
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If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.