last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
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Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.