‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
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A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.