‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
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I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?