Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
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*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Me too, bag. Me too….
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!