The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
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A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Stop sending me this shit.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.