You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
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I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
new record!
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.