You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
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A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.