@DadandBuried: You'll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
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@mstern68: Please don't be curly Please don't be curly Please don't be curly I pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
@notorious_stars: When a celebrity dies, who's the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the "is"s to "was"s on their Wikipedia page?
@stuckinaportal: *leans over sink* *splashes face w cold water* *stares at self in mirror* *returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart* best of 3
@truegritrumble: ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes. WIFE: M: W: The laundry. M: No the dish... W: M: W: What? M: We need new dishes.