You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
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I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
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M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want