@DadandBuried: You'll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
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@_b1p0larbear: Thinking about kids? My son poured syrup in every floor vent. 11 years later it still smells like waffles every time the heat comes on.
@VodkaShorebird: Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: "Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?"
@AmishPornStar1: Maybe I misheard him... But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
@XplodingUnicorn: In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation: 1) Going on vacation 2) Taking my family