You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
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Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Alexa, make me look good naked.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
smartest karate player in the world
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿