You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
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Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
concern
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not