“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
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If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Lmao
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji