You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
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taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Me if I was a dog
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!