@stockejock: You'll sleep when you're dead?...that's adorable. Well, I'll lose weight when I'm dead, so pass the doughnuts.
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@XplodingUnicorn: Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids. Wife: The same four kids? Me: I'll be right back.
@ValeeGrrl: Husband got excited thinking I was touching myself under the covers but I was actually just opening a Kit Kat I didn't wanna share.
@Ideal_Victoria: Date: Sing me something Me: ♫ Open your eyes, look up to the skies and seeeee ♫ *banner plane flies by with “we should see other people”
@astutenewf: When I'm bored, I like to superglue Doritos to my cat and make it run around the house like a stegosaurus.