Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
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[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
United Steaks of America
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.