Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
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I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.