Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
what’s the point then??
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.