Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
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Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
A French press is when you hug naked
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Where’s my employee discount too?
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…