[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
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The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
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90Me: Nailed it.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
I can’t stop watching this.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
They grow up so quick
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..