Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
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I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.