Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
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I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore