Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
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About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
All excellent questions
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
do horses think humans are hats
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
Rich people don’t understand cereal
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?