Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
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*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]